Guys, I don't know about you, but I found the scavenger hunt assignment to be super fulfilling and meaningful and fun. Honestly, naming my favorite part would be like naming the thing I hate most about our maid, Yolanda. Here is a breakdown of some of my favorite parts, with some of my, like, insights into each category. This is me, world. Take it or fucking leave it.
1) UNIVERSITY PLACE HOUSE
Not to sound braggy, but I used to date one of the guy's from Property Brothers. Even though we dated for like, two and a half weeks, it was honestly one of the most fulfilling relationships of my life. He used to dress me up in a red shirt with no pants, make me stick my whole fist in a honey jar and call me Winnie. It was one of those sweet, beautiful inside jokes that couple's have that make like, absolutely NO sense to anyone but those in the relationship.
So, needless to say I know a thing or two about real estate. I didn't have to look it up. We bought our fucking piece of shit cousin, Dustin, who's addicted to cough syrup, a three bedroom house in University Place for $219,000. Our grandma lives in one of the other rooms. She's super old and smells like a fucking wet dog. Honestly, she's always talking about how she used to work at a candy store when she was a girl. Like, we get it, you're fucking poor and old. Get a life.
In the other room we keep our Sea-Doos.
2) BOOK A TRIP TO HAWAII
I've been to Hawaii. Adam, my ex-boyfriend one time sold me to this group of natives for $50,000. They wanted me to sit in the middle of the room and trim my toenails with an apple in my mouth while they sacrificed a pig for the next night's Luau. Luckily for them I hadn't had a pedicure in like a fucking week so my feet looked like Eagle's claws. It was honestly a super rewarding experience.
Obviously our trip cost a lot less since Adam used the money he got to offset the cost. I went on a poor person's airline website and it says that you can get like a seat on some cattle car airplane and a week's stay in some hotel that SOMEONE ELSE STAYED IN BEFORE (yuck!) for $6,500.
3) FIND ANDREW FRY'S SISTER
Why? Is she missing? My cousin's been missing since August and you don't see me complaining. He was last seen in Miami, working for this super sketchy Puerto Rican dude who owned a sand business. I was going to call the police and report him missing but my phone was being all dumb and the screen was cracked and I didn't want to get a glass splinter in my cheek, so I figured forget it. I'm like a hugely spiritul person even though I don't believe in the institution of organized religion. It's just like a tool to control the weak. Plus my old boyfriend was a priest and tried to drown me in Holy Water as a prank.
If God wants him to be not missing, then he'll show up.
4) TWITTER
I don't use Twitter anymore. Four years ago my twitter got hacked and all my photos were sold to some video game company. I didn't find out until years later when I was watching my boyfriend play Grand Theft Auto with his weed dealer and I saw my face on one of the prostitutes. I remember saying, "Hey! That like, totally looks like me!" Then he shot her in the face. I thought that was like, super shady of him.
Anyway, the scavenger hunt was super fun. These were my favorite aspects of it, guys. A friend will be there to bail you out of jail. A real friend will be there in the cell next to you going, "That was fun. Let's do that again."
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